That is what I thought woke me up an hour ago. Scott's snoring. Loud. Oh so loud. And I was so comfortable. Somehow I had arranged myself on the pillows, all of them, just right, snuggled in a pillow of well, pillows. I didn't even want to move to the couch because of my comfort. But his snoring couldn't be ignored. So I moved. I come to the couch where his computer is still running, with the song that has come to be Jordan's favorite song...Matt Maher's "Christ is Risen"...is still up on the song list. It was the last thing Jordan sang before bed. God has given her a sweet little voice. One that longs to worship even at her age. She is on key and when not trying, has the perfect hint of vibrato that only a six year old can have. I start listening to songs that take me back so to say. They take me back to a time when I felt free. Sometimes I miss my charasmatic days. Those were the days of dancing like no one was watching. Like David when he danced naked before the Lord. He danced like a fool for God. I listened to Kim Hill's "You Are Still Holy". After just having seen Roar, I am keenly aware of how big God is, and I wish I could put on some point shoes and dance in his chambers. Like no one is watching. I listened to Jaci Valesquez's "I Get On My Knees" and am reminded of my lack of prayer and faith. Then, my final favorite "Another Time and Another Place" by Wayne Watson and Sandi Patty. Talk about a flashback. That song used to be my life's song. "Lord, come now. I want to go to Heaven now." It was almost a selfish "come now prayer." I just longed to be gone from here and see the face of Christ. Of course it really isn't selfish at all. It is how God has made us; he made us to long for his presence. After those three songs I somehow clicked on 2 songs that had clips from The Passion movie. I saw Him beat. My stomach turned in disgust (because of the blood) and anxiety due to the gore I was seeing. Like a sheep lead to it's slaughter, so he went. Silent. And endured the most brutal death that one man could ever endure. Why? What held him there? The people jeered, saying if He was really the Son of God he would get off the cross. But he said nothing. He only asked for their, for our, forgiveness and declared the finish.
I got up to take an anxiety pill. My stomach was in that kind of anxiety mode. The kind that will not let me sleep. But then I realized that I need to feel this anxiety. In His sovereignty, God the Father chose for Jesus to come and die for our sins during a time in history when death was the most brutal. I need to see the gore every so often. I need to be reminded that He was unrecognizable on the cross and yet he stayed there. He was held on that cross not by a lack of power, but because he was overcome by love for those that would pass through his flowing blood to be made white as snow. God the Father could have chosen that Jesus come today when his death would be by electric chair. Relatively easy compared to what he went through for hours upon hours. Pure torture. Whipped. Beaten. Spat upon. Then, when his body was on the brink of death, made to carry his own very heavy cross up the hill that he might be hoisted up in the air to be laughed at, mocked, and to die. For me. He did that for me.
Now I am left with nothing but awe, and am praying that he might save my two littlest. I pray that he would save those in my family who have not yet experienced the wonderful humility that washes over one's spirit when he/she realizes what we were saved from.
I need to blog more often. And I will. But for tonight I am leaving with this:
1 Corinthians 15:54-56
New International Version (NIV)
54 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”
55 “Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?”
