Sanctifying Love

I am up for my usual 2 a.m. wakeup call.  Lately...well I say lately but this has been going on for about a month...I wake up at about the same time every single night and can't go back to sleep.  I have tried Ambien at night, melatonin, etc.  Nothing keeps me asleep.  And if you know me well, you know that once I wake it is hard to go back to sleep due to anxiety.  But tonight I chose to pray.  I read two blog posts tonight before bed that convicted my heart.  They have me thinking about the way I am parenting.  I want to be a parent who lives by example.  I see so much of my ugly sin in Jordan.  There has been so much bickering and infighting within my brood lately that it has driven me absolutely insane.  There are nights when Scott comes home and I just want to run off.  I find an errand, any errand, and try to cram it into my night just to get away from the noise of selfishness and greed.  What I need to do is try to use those moments to teach Jordan what it means to "run in the path of his commands."  She has memorized several verses now.  One is Psalm 119:32 "I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free."  ( I have also had her memorize Ephesians 6:1 "Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right."  Somehow that one is less exciting for her to spout off though.)  But anyway, she absolutely loves to quote her memorized verses for me.  And you know what?  It is good for me too.  It has been a long time since I have set out to plant God's word permenently in my heart.  Memorizing verses with  Jordan is doing that.  So tonight, I am up.  It is 2:42 a.m.  I have been up for about an hour and am weary of the wakeup calls.  But tonight it struck me that perhaps God has me waking for a reason.  This really is the only time during any part of the "day" that I don't fall asleep at the drop of a hat.  See, falling asleep has never been my problem.  It is the staying asleep part that eludes me.  Tonight I prayed.  I prayed for my children, who by all accounts sanctify my sick sinfilled heart more than even my marriage right now.  I prayed that I would lead by example and love them, and that they would know they are loved.  I prayed for Jordan, who is the leader of the pack right now.  The little ones, especially Micah, follow her every lead.  I prayed that she would run in the path of God's commands.  But in order for her to do that, I need to teach them to her.  Would you pray that I would be a patient mom and teach my children the ways of our wonderful God?  I am not a patient person by nature.  I am a yeller; I got that lovely generational sin from my dad.  I am short tempered and quick to just discipline with no follow through.  But they deserve more.  This is one of the blog posts I read today that has me on my knees now.  Thank you Tara Figgins for posting this:
She titled it "These Children, They Mold Me."

And maybe that is all — a Velveteen Mother is a mother who keeps bending her worn knees with prayers that her child may walk straight paths. Never ceasing to pray for her own crooked heart.
Never forgetting — Train up a child in the way he should go and be ready to forgive him. The Way he should go is down a road named Grace.
Why do I forget that becoming Real — becoming a velveteen mother – it will hurt in a thousand ways?
The weary and the wearing away and it the most beautiful part.
… they have made me sing and sob and they have made me know my sin. Strange, how hurting can heal. Strange, how sometimes we need what we don’t even know we want. Strange, how He makes ashes into beauty.
-Ann Voskamp


This is the part that got to my heart the most:
The weary and the wearing away and it the most beautiful part.
… they have made me sing and sob and they have made me know my sin. Strange, how hurting can heal. Strange, how sometimes we need what we don’t even know we want. Strange, how He makes ashes into beauty.

Why?  Because I cannot tell you how many times I have told someone I am "child weary."  I get so weary, and tired, and just plain worn away.  Sometimes it feels that they are plucking away at every little hair on my body with each fight, arguement, hit or push.  But God knew what I needed, and it wasn't what I wanted.  I wanted kids, but never ever did I want twins.  Ever.  I remember crying so hard the day we got two phone calls.  I told Scott over and over again that I didn't want them, but that I just wanted one.  I wanted the one we first committed to because she had been waiting 10 days in a care home for us to come and get her.  She was ours and her birthmom was counting on us.  That meant I didn't want JW.  And to be honest, of all of my kids in this very stage of life, he is my most sanctifying child.  He cries inscesently due to reflux.  He never likes anything offered to him.  Dissatisfaction is a way of life for him.  He is only happy when he is outside and I have noticed that he is extremely happy when he is with other boys.  But guess what?  He is the boy in the family.  He has one boy cousin whom he never sees.  He is surrounded by girls so he is often playing by himself, or playing rough with his sisters.  He is in a tough spot right now developmentally.  He has a significant speech delay which makes it hard to communicate with me what he needs or wants.  This is getting better and better with each day.  But let me tell you, between reflux and speech, there are some mornings that the crying doesn't stop until nap time.  He tends to be happy from about 1:00 on; I guess that is when his tummy starts to feel better.  It is also nap time which means he gets wound up and ready to play when it is time to sleep.  I find myself frustrated and angry because by that time I need him to sleep as much as he needs to sleep.  How much comfort I found in that tiny quote, though.  God knew that what I needed was not what I wanted.  Ultimately that is sanctification.  It is a rough process that involves much pain as he refines by fire that bangs our hard as metal hearts into the shape of Christ.  Sanctification.  Not fun.  But ironically, it is a comforting place to be.

I still lack a computer.  I think Scott is just going to have to give up his death grip on his and allow me some time to load the hundreds of pics on my camera so I can share my little ones with you.  They have gotten so big.  Micah is growing hair and tons of it  Who would have thought baldy would ever have hair?  Not me.  The curl is so tight that it is still short to her head.  But it makes a darn cute afro. She is my stereotypical girl, meaning she is what you think a girl to be (not necessarily should be since God makes us all different.)  She is feminine by nature, loves shoes and dresses, adores wearing bows in her hair, is motherly and kind at heart.  JW is all boy.  He is rough and tumble and thinks that because he loves physical wrestling type play that of course his sisters will too.  Not the case, trust me.  JW is in a size 4T for the most part, so when he decides he wants to throw his body on you to play, it hurts.  I have many bruises to prove it.  But oh man, when he isn't crying his smile is awesome.  He melts my heart.   Jordan is growing up.  That is just all there is to it.  She is becoming a little lady.  She isn't girly; it isn't her style.  She likes to get a little dirty and still has more boy friends than girls.  She saw her little friend Beck at our church party Saturday and her face lit up.  And I saw his light up too.  Those two are so much alike that it is kind of scary.  Beck's mom and I joke, saying that if they ever got married neither of us want to watch the grandbabies.  We just assume they will be hellions on wheels haha!  One thing that suprises me about Jordan is her love of learning.  Every day she comes home and says "I have homework!"  She wants to do it right then and there and doesn't understand that I don't want to do it right then and there.  But she eats up our homework time.  I believe she enjoys the one on one time with me as much as she enjoys her actual homework.  So we press on and I am going to try harder, through his grace, to teach her which road she should take.  Somehow I just need to tie that into learning how to right the letter "S" ?!

Also, while I am at it, I am asking you to take a quick moment to pray for my friend Heather.  She is very sick with cancer.  She has a little boy who is Jordan's age.  I struggle to understand why God has allowed this for her and her family.  But she never ceases to write encouraging things about how God is still good.  Today on facebook I read that she wrote that she could no longer walk unassisted.  But, she said, "I woke up and God is still good."  She is obviously scared at this point but rests in her unfailing faith in an unfailing God.  Oh how I long for this kind of surety within my soul.  Sanctification.  Thank you Jesus for sanctification.

I have lots of pics

But I don't have a computer.  Right now I am on Scott's crappy work computer, so there is no way I can put personal stuff on here.  He takes his laptop to work and leaves me here with this piece of junk.  So that is why I am lacking in the pics department.  There just aren't any to show you.  Being poor is hard sometimes.  I would love to just get on the dell website and buy a computer.  Oh well.  In a few short months after some stuff is paid off I can get one. Patience is a virtue.

Maybe moms/wifes DO know what they are talking about?

So today I left really early in the morning to help a friend set up for a garage sale.  I was too late to set up, but not too late to sort through things and get a couple cute finds for a picture project I am working on.  When I left, every child was awake and Scott was asleep on the couch.  I gave them all a cup of milk and Scott asked me to close off the room so noone escaped.  His intention was to keep sleeping while they quietly watched tv.  (Um, what was he thinking?)  I know I have repetedly told him that it isn't wise to sleep while the little toddlers are roaming free.  I guess it fell on deaf ears because while I was gone JW took off his diaper and pooped all over the house.  There was poop in three different rooms.  Scott sorta cleaned it but I have no idea where it was so short of putting my nose to the floor to smell for it, there isn't much I can do to disinfect.

Now, what about this makes me laugh?