Bring the rain

As part of my time with the Lord today I have chosen to blog. I don't know what it is about this public form of journaling that gets me, but I love it. Why in the world would I put my feelings out there for random strangers and loved friends/family to read? I don't know; I guess that part of me finds it thearaputic...the other part of me hopes that somehow God can glorify himself through my ramblings. I hope that someone will come to know Him through it. It seems like such a far reach, someone in Maine coming to Jesus through my blog. I think it may be read by 10 people on a good day :) But maybe, just maybe that eleventh person will find what they are looking for through this blog. I am so far off the subject now I have to laugh at my A.D.D. self.

"And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise you. Jesus bring the rain." I have heard this song a thousand times over. I will admit that it makes me somewhat uneasy. I don't want rain! I don't want life to bring me pain! Who really wants this? I am not sure that even the writer of that song can say that he really wants his life to be hard in order that it might bring glory to God. But somehow the Holy Spirit works it into us to want and desire what in our natural states we hate. I am thinking about this for one reason: MckMama. Have you read it yet? Okay, see the MckMiracle button on the right hand side of your screen? Click on it. This poor woman is watching her baby die, yet somehow she is still able to praise God. She is still able to cling to the hope that he will be healed, knowing that our God is perfectly capable of doing so. She also knows that He may not chose to do so, in which case she knows that Jesus is still the same; He doesn't change just because our circumstances do. Here I am, a total outsider to her world. I just read her blog as hundreds of others do as well. I don't know her or her baby and even I am not able to praise God with her. This is not coming together in my mind at all. How can God let this happen? For some reason, even though in my flesh I am angry for her, in my spirit I rejoice with her. There is an old song by Caedmon's Call that has been on repeat in my car for 3 days now. "Love Alone"...anyone heard it? It is on repeat for these words:

The prince of despair's been beaten
But the loser still fights
Death's on a long leash
Stealing my friends to the night

And everyone cries for the innocent
You say to love the guilty too
And I'm surrounded by suffering and sickness
So I'm working tearing back the roof

Give me your hand to hold
'Cause I can't stand to love alone
And love alone is not enough to hold us up
We've got to touch your robe
So swing your robe down low

It reminds me of Isaiah 6 when the prophet says that the train of His robe filled the temple, or of the story of Moses when he saw the goodness of the Lord pass before him. In my mind I have always pictured God's goodness passing before Moses as part of his train, with bells and fancy velvet embellishments. Anyway, in those moments Isaiah and Moses touched the robe of God. God chose to stoop down so as to give them a physical and spiritual manifestation of himself. I have found myself praying that He would also choose to swing his robe down low in my life. The whole adoption process has me worn out, numb, and needing to see God in a special way. In these times I cling to the days of our first failed adoption, then seeing God fulfill his promise to us by giving us Jordan 3 days later. But right now I need to see that again. So I pray that he would allow his robe to drape down in such a way that it encompasses my life, be it even for a day. But I fear that praying this means that I am also willing to pray for rain. Ugh. I want something good to happen, not bad! Then God brings me back to MckMama. I am thankful that he hasn't chosen me to be the mom to a baby who may not live to see 5 months. She understands that though God may choose to allow rain to pour, he also chooses rainbows. Maybe someday I will be changed in such a way that my temperment doesn't bend towards the worst case scenario. But right now, I just need to see some velvet embellishing.

Fashionista

Wow! Give a girl a tutu and all this cheesiness comes out :) After Bible study I changed Jordan's diaper. I decided to not put her pants back on since she was going down for a nap anyway. Next thing I know she put on her tutu, which she called a boo boo. She has one of those too, but that is another story. So after the tutu she wanted to put on her neclaces. If she knew she had 4 other necklaces she probably would have worn them too! Seriously, this is the girl who never ever smiles for me. All I had to do was say "Say cheese!" (I credit Dora, who is by far the cartoon flavor of the month, for our photo awakening. Jordan has a Dora book which has a story about Dora taking pics for Boots who is tragically ill haha! So she pulls out her camera and tells characters to say cheese. For whatever reason Jordan knew that meant to smile. So the word smile must not mean smile to her. Hmmm. That is just weird.) Anyway, she loved the tutu so much that she insisted on wearing it to grandma's house tonight. So she did; that is so not a battle worth fighting. I should also add that the headband was all her too. She picked it out with great exuberance before Bible study.

This first one is for sure my favorite shot of the day. Aside from the black blob of a tv in the shot I love the framing, her smile, and I love how she is playing with her necklaces.




Not sure that I really like this, but it was fun to do so I included it.

Face lift

Do you like the new look? Honestly, I don't care too much whether or not you like it :) I do, and that is what counts, right? I tried so so hard to get away from red. I really did. But I can't help it. I am a red-aholic. If you have been in my house you can attest to that. I wish I wasn't; I wish I was addicted to blue and brown. Blue and brown is so calming and reminds me of days at the beach. But no, I gravitate to the ever so invigerating red. Nothing about red is calming. But I can't help it. I want so badly to break free from the chains that entangle me! I have to admit that even I would like a change. But when I go to buy new bedding for example, I end up looking at stuff with red. My kids rooms are literally the only rooms in the house without red. My bathroom is a yellow shade of white with a vintagey red shower curtain. My dining room is my favorite room in the house. Why? It has pale green walls...with red accents. My kitchen walls are red; my living room couches are red. My bedroom is beige, but my bedding is a red toile. Help! I think I may have a problem which demands immediate intervention. Is there a patch or something that can wean me off this terrible rush I get from the color red? Maybe a 12 step program would be the key. Hmmm...I'll have to think this through before my poor children grow up with an aversion to all things red. Before I know it they will be throwing out the red crayons and paints in every box.

Thank you Steven Curtis Chapman

We applied for a grant through Steven Curtis Chapman's organization a while ago. Well, we probably won't get a grant, but we did get a little 14 day devotional. Wow! Who would have thought God would use this tiny adoption companion (as they call it) to move me forward in my faith. I wouldn't have thought that. I come from the line of thinking that we must spend this deep studious time in the word every day or else! Can we say legalism? Anyway, today's reading was titled "Revelation". Here is what it says:
"God has told us, His people, that pure religion that God the Father accepts is to go and look after orphans in their distress. Why? Because we, His church, are to announce what God, Almighty, is about to do for the world by representing him with our actions! That for which the world is now waiting, the prophecy yet to be revealed, is the return of Christ for his church. As Jesus said, 'I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you' (John 14:18). It's all abuot God's glory and plan...return to bring us home as members of His forever family."
YES YES YES! Can a sista get an Amen? That is what adoption is! In everything we do we are to be a picture of Christ. When I wipe away tears, send Jordan to time out, or just spend time holding her, I am Christ to her. I hope and pray that Scott and I will be an example and a challenge to First Presbyterian Church. Nothing would make me more happy than to see families in our Sunday school embrace adoption and run, not walk, to rescue some orphans for the Lord. Just so you all know, there are some people that I pray for by name, that their families would one day include adopted children. I won't say who you are, but don't be surprised if you feel some stirring in your spirit :)

Now, I must post this picture. Jordan has been drawing quite a few things lately. But to be honest, they all kind of look the same to me. She will draw a circle and call it a carrot or a cucumber. So today she came running down the hallway to exclaim that she had drawn an apple. Of course I went to check it out. Now you tell me, does this look like an apple or what? And look at how proud she is! When I first looked at the apple it didn't have the little circle in the middle and only had one stem. She started to maul the drawing before I got back with my camera. Thank God I got a picture the first time. I have had the hardest time trying to get her to look at the camera; I knew if I didn't get the shot the first time, it wasn't going to happen.
I think I can now say with all confidence that she is, in fact, the next Van Gogh.


We made cookies together last night. Well, Jordan made a mess out of my cookies. But she had fun and that is all that matters. Please ignore the hair and pajamas. It has been raining since Friday and yes, we have been in and out of pjs since then. No real clothes around here. Scott was sick yesterday so we didn't even get out of them for church. Anyway, here she is, complete with begging dog in the background. He knows who feeds him!

2nd post for the day

Because I forgot to add this to my last post...

Monkey see, monkey do. Scott is down with the crud that Jordan and I just got over. When he finally rose from his slumber this morning he went straight to the couch.


So Jordan decided to copy. She pulled a "comfy blanket" (yes, still in the comfy blanket phase), got settled in with bear, and fake snored LOL!

Waiting for Micah

Oh, my little bub, where are you? And the wait continues with no clear end in sight. Don't get me wrong, I know there is an end that will come. It is just so hard having a piece of my heart seperated from me. I am coming to grips with the fact that this just isn't going to happen the way I wanted it to, or hoped it would. I hoped for an easier time this go around. I hoped for no failed adoptions...and for a quick one at that. But here we sit nearly 4 months after filing paperwork still a family of 3. I do know that God's timing is perfect, but I am also human. Somehow that little fact is less than comforting. It is a good thing that God is so gracious! He doesn't hold my lack of faith against me. It was nailed to the cross along with all my other sins. When talking with my other fellow adoptees I say this is my last baby. After Micah I am done. But you know what? I find that hard to believe. It would be pretty selfish of me to say I am done purely because I don't want to go through the emotional crap again. Adoption is a rescue effort, and rescue efforts take time, energy, and sacrifice. I guess I can't make the decision about future adoptions before going through this one, right? In my flesh I want Micah to be the last. It is too hard. But in my spirit I hear the Lord telling me to trust him with the future...don't get caught up in those kind of decisions now.

On a different yet somewhat related topic, I have this strange feeling that we will have 2 children very close together. I don't know if that means my nightmare will come true (getting pregnant) or if we will adopt 2 kiddos in one year. Who knows. But I just have this gut feeling. So much of a gut feeling that I talked through the "what ifs" with Scott. What if I got pregnant before an adoption goes through? Do we do the adoption too? The answer is a resounding yes! What if we adopt from the agency then a doctor calls, or the lawyer? Once again, we do both! I will hope and pray that the latter of the two is the case. I DO NOT want to be pregnant. Ever. It is awesome to think that I can even say that now. 5 years ago I would have never thought that my heart would be healed in that way. But, no thank you, keep that gift for some other woman! Through this entire trial of faith I have realized that adoption has nothing to do with my infertility. Yeah, yeah, plenty of people think that we have adopted because God stitched my womb shut. Those people could not be more wrong! In the grand scheme of spiritual happenings, adoption is about God. God is all about his glory, right? Yes. So our adoption trials are not due to infertility. Our trials are so He can be glorified through Jordan, Micah, and whoever will follow.

Now since I have posted pictures in a long long time, here goes nothing.

Two of my sweet nieces this past weekend. Zoe (in the yellow) is Nate's daughter. Savannah is Aaron's. They are best buds even though they are seperated by an entire day's drive.



Big sis to be :) I can't ever get her to even look at me, let alone smile for the camera. But here she is, in her first summer dress of the season. Bring on spring!


My new niece! Congrats Aaron and Christi! Danica Madeline...so dreamy!


Mickey Mouse puffs, oh how I have missed thee! I know that some people say that this little hairdo looks like mouse ears, but I love it. She is singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, complete with hand motions courtesy of The Wiggles.


Jordan got this cute little farm set and loves to play with it. She is obsessed with farm animals. She even named the farmers Grandma and Granpa Bob. Why? Because in Jordan's eyes, they are farmers. Plastic Grandpa Bob pushes his wheelboro around the coffee table and feeds the pig.

Blog fun!

I have found my new favorite blog to read. No offense to my blogging friends, but this one really is awesome. www.mycharmingkids.net. Not only is the writer a sister in Christ, but she is a hippie attachment parenting lover :) I am secretly jealous of anyone who can successfully do attachment parenting. I am too selfish to be able to enjoy it. But I love seeing it in other people's lives. Okay, so not only is she all of those great things, but she is a professional photographer. Her pictures are just amazing. I am in awe of them, quite frankly. In all honesty though, she has a ton of natural light in her house...natural light can take an ordinary picture to excellent.

Which brings me to my next thought. My photo of the day blog has become a photo of the month blog. I am a slacker. I think I am just going to use one blog. How foolish of me to think that I would actually be disciplined enough to take and post a photo each day. Seriously. I don't even shower everyday let alone capture AND post a picture. I wish there was some way to literally combine them but I guess there isn't. One day when I print out my blog in book form I'll print that one out too.

Okay, last thing...adoption fell through. It is officially official :( You would think I'd get used to the disappointment but I am not. This makes something else officially official: should this next baby be Micah Ruth and not Micah Daniel, I will have to buy all new clothes. That stinks! No really. I am not happy about it. So much money wasted on clothes for Jordan and I won't even get to reuse them. I hate to get rid of them but I think I'll have to. I don't even know what to do with them. My favorites are going to be made into a quilt. The rest, well, I don't know. Sell on ebay? Sell on consignment? Sell on Babynames? Who knows. I have a hard time parting with them. She was my first baby; she made me a mom. She was a girl (I really wanted a girl). I admit that I went way way way overboard in the clothes buying for her. I was just so thrilled to have her. I was working full time back then so it wasn't like we didn't have the money. Hmph.

a little hope

I got a message from Dr. Sharpe today. He just wanted to call and give me a quick update. No news...he said we are just waiting for labor. The fact that he called without me having to call first made me a little hopeful. Maybe she will actually go through with it.

Can't put it into words

Well, here we are still with no news on this birthmom. I don't know if I am supposed to give up or keep hoping. Of course I want to keep hoping. It just seemed so perfect. Dr. Sharpe tells us it is normal for birthmoms to surface then fall off the radar until they give birth. I don't know. It is never normal in our experience. She is due any day now so I suppose I can hang in there until we hear something. I just pray that we hear something...anything...soon. At this point I assume that she freaked out and changed her mind. But it would be nice to have some confirmation I suppose. I don't know how I feel about it all right now. I think I am simply frustrated. I am at a loss as to what to do. Everything in my wants to call Jim Thompson and adopt from SC where I don't have to deal with birthmoms who change their minds. But it is so expensive. I can't imagine how we will ever make it. Scott has to take a pay cut next year. We are already just scraping by; paying on a big fat loan will kill us. I don't know what to do. My head is swimming with sadness and discouragement...not to mention feeling drugged due to the lovely sinus infection I am dealing with. ugh. I am off. I just wanted to get it out.