Mr. President

This is so powerful. It is just as much a charge to the President as it to Christians to pray. After listening it to it I cried. I cried for the unborn and I cried out of conviction over my lack of prayer. John Piper hits the nail on the head as he usually does. His church is a church where rich and poor, black and white all worship in the same pews. Somehow God has used him to bridge gaps and divides. Listen with that in mind.

Weird emotional overload

Weird and wonderful day today all in one. My friend Kelley got "the call" yesterday...she and Chris met their second little girl today. I was up all night last night thinking about them and just generally being excited for them. Of course I did a little dreaming about when we will get "the call". It is so exciting, the call that is. It always comes at a time when it is least expected. So I slept very little last night because I am so ready to go through the whole process over again. Watching God work. Nothing beats that. Anyway, this morning I found out that my brother Aaron and his wife Christi welcomed baby Danica into the world. Welcome Danica! We have been waiting for you :) Later in the evening I was looking through pics of Danica (who by the way looks just like Aaron) and I was overcome by emotion. I started to cry almost uncontrolablly. The mama bear instinct kicked in in a heavy fashion. I began to weep for my baby that is out there somewhere. In that moment I begged God to allow him or her to come home soon. I want him/her here with me; I want him/her in my arms so I can take care of her, love her, and protect her...or him. I don't like the idea of her being out there somewhere without me. I didn't experience this while waiting for Jordan. I suppose it is because at that point I didn't know the love a mother has for her child. I didn't know the feeling that would lead a mom to die for her child. Now I do and it is tearing me up. I love this baby so much already and I know nothing. So I wept for a good 5 minutes. Then I prayed and begged God to give us our baby soon. In that moment I felt so much peace. It was as if He was telling me it was soon. "Soon my child. Just trust." I am still very teary eyed when I think about it. I cried telling Scott. Now if only I could ask God what soon means to him. Soon to me is this weekend; soon to Him is probably next month.

Now as I am writing this I am wondering about the love that Christ must have felt when he went to the cross. I imagine that once baby #2 arrives my heart will swell with love. Afterall, it isn't like my love for Jordan will diminish to provide love for #2. So my heart will have to grow in love. This also leads me to believe that the emotions I felt today will only grow stronger and will probably become a little more regular. (Considering I am not an emotional gal, crying more than once a month will be somewhat shocking to me.) I can only imagine the depth of love and emotion that Christ must have felt as he staggered up the hill to his death. He had to have been thinking about how much he loved his children and father. His love for the Father gave him the desire to obey; the love for his children gave him the stamina to carry it out. While on the cross his love overflowed into a plead on behalf of those who hung him on the cross. "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." In that moment he could have proved his divinity by peeling himself off the cross, but his love for us held him there. Wow! After pondering this for a while I am very glad that God puts a human threshold on our emotions. Were we to feel the same amount of pain that Jesus felt on that day, well, I am not sure we could handle it. I could barely handle being taken by love for 2 babies; Jesus was taken by love for the entire world.

Proof of the chope craze

He is just a man!

Lord, please draw people to yourself. You alone offer hope.

confessions of a lazy woman

I skipped Bible study this morning just because I didn't feel like going. Now I wish I had gone. Lesson learned. My reason for not going? After being out of town twice in 3 weeks I am enjoying being home and being lazy. Oh well. I am off to spend some time in the word. Got to make myself beautiful :)

4:15...update...I prayed for all of 5 min before falling asleep. I could say that I must have needed sleep but more than sleep I needed time in the word. I'm like the disciples who couldn't wait up to pray. God is so good. He uses days like today to show me how unimportant my own desires really are. Yes, I am exhausted. But I could have made it 5 more hours without a nap. It wasn't necessary. Instead I awoke to a feeling of having wasted time, time that I cannot get back. I so badly want to be someone different than who I am. I want to be a woman who finds purpose and joy in being home with my kids all day. I want to be the woman who burns the midnight oil in prayer for those she loves and her country. Instead I fall asleep after 5 minutes. It is ironic how God can use our mistakes or basic human drives to show us just how weak we are.

Chope

Chope. It is a new Obamaism I heard today...it is the combination of hope and change...the two things Obama is supposed to represent. Before I begin this post I have to say that I understand the significance of his election. Unlike many of my fellow Americans that didn't vote for Obama, I celebrate in the historical significance of him being elected. I actually do think it is cool that we finally have a president of color. Though I can't fully feel the exuberance that the African American community felt on November 4, I understand why they are exuberant. I can see why it means so much to an entire people group. What I don't understand, however, is how Obama has become to so many who voted for him (white, black, hispanic, and asian alike) the source of hope and change. Many in the media are saying that he has become somewhat of a celebrity. That word didn't do justice to what people are making him to be. Celebrities are famous for petty and trivial stuff and have no real power, though they often think they do. Obama is famous for doing big things and actually holds some power. In my opinion, the word celebrity doesn't sum up his mass following and praise. To me, it seems as if people are treating him like the Messiah, hence the hope is in him to change the world. I have never seen an entire world (yes, it isn't just the United States) literally rejoice in the election of one man. I am not quite sure what people think he is going to do to change world. I realize that Bush has changed the face of the world in very literal ways. But in my opinion, the middle east was a ticking time bomb. It was all going to blow up at some point, it was just a matter of whose watch it was on. As the Lord had it, He wanted Bush in office at that time. So what can Obama really change? What did Bush really change? Bush changed nothing; God changed the world by using President Bush. By Obama placing a few more bucks in most American's pockets he is changing nothing. Noone's heart is changed; no lives are altered for the better. Marriages won't be saved nor will fathers support the children they have left behind. My point is this, whatever good or bad may occur over the next 4 years is not without the okay of the one who really does hold hope and change in his hands. My prayer throughout the day tomorrow will be that when Obama lets people down they will turn to God. He will let people down in time, not because he is a bad person but because he is human. As a Bush supporter I was let down at times. He made decisions that I didn't think were right and those decisions did force me to think upon truth. I pray that those who do not know the Lord and are putting all their hope in Obama to change their lives, I pray that they will come to know the Lord through his presidency.



On a different yet related note, I want to address those Obama antagonists who fear that the USA is going to implode under his watch. God is in control. He was in control on November 4, 2008 and is in control today. Prior to election day our pastor often prayed that God would give us not the President that we want but what we by his grace deserve. At least I think that is how the prayer went. Saying it that way seems to imply that Obama would be punishment for something and that is not what was prayed. Basically it was something along the lines of "Give us what you see fit." I believe that my soveriegn-ruler-of-the-universe God did that. He allowed Obama to win; if McCain had won it would have been because God allowed it. Not a single sparrow falls to the ground without his all knowing permission. God is good ALL THE TIME. We will be okay...by the grace of God we will be okay. I cringe at the thought of pro-choice legislation that will be fought for and passed over the next 4 years. As an adoptee I can say that Obama's stance on this subject makes me physically ill. But I still trust God. I weep for the babies who will never take a breath. But I believe God when He, the father to the fatherless, says that vengence is his. So I go into tomorrow with complete peace. After all, it isn't like McCain was a great choice anyway.

Cute

I was up all night last night with the flu, but we are planning on leaving for Florida tonight so I had to get my tired butt off the couch and run some errands. If I could change just one thing about motherhood, I'd add some sick days be put into our schedule. But that is a whole other post unto itself. So Jordan and I ran to Lowe's for a CO monitor, insulation for the water heater, and to make a copy of the house key for the dogsitter. Then we went to Walmart for a few very important things, one of which was diapers. I got the diapers and forgot everything else. Don't you hate that? By the time we got to Walmart I had a blistering headache and just wanted to go home. (I must be ADD because I am always distracted. I can't even write a blog post without bringing in other stuff that is totally not related to the story. Geez, I just did it again.) So I am going through Walmart and had 2 people stop to tell me how cute my daughter is. One lady was about 15 feet from me and yelled across the aisle to get Jordan's attention. I wish I had been feeling better; I would have loved to brag on her a little more than I did. I mainly just smiled and said thank you.

On another cute note, Jordan has learned the art of stalling. After asking her to sit down in the Walmart cart at least 10 times she reached over to give some stranger a hug. Stall. At lunch yesterday I was letting her walk around the table a little. She wandered a little far so I asked her to come closer. Again, she hugged a random stranger. Today at naptime she asked to eat. I told her no because she had just had her chance to eat. She ate 2 bites and declared she was done. So anyway, I said no. Then she asked for The Wiggles. Nope, sorry kid. Then when I put her in bed she was frustrated because I didn't let her walk up her step stool and into bed on her own. Stall. I did, however, put her down on the floor and let her walk up the steps into bed. Then of course she wanted to read a book. Stalling at its finest. I dread the "Can I have a cup of water" days.

Sleep! Oh how I love thee!

The nice thing about growth spurts is the sleep. Sunday Jordan slept until 10:00. We missed church, but the sleep somehow made it all worth it. Yesterday she slept until 9:00. Today I had to wake her at 10:00. In these three days she has made up for all the long newborn nights :) I know it won't last long. Soon enough the growth spurt will be over or we will have a new baby. Then these nice days of sleeping like I was in college will be all but a memory. Tomorrow may just throw this lucky sleep streak off a bit. Bible study starts up again and we have to be there by 9:45, which means she has to wake up at 8:00 or 8:30. Let's hope the rude awakening doesn't put her in a bad mood for the day.

I am off for the next few hours. I am getting Scott a surprise gift of a Blu-Ray DVD player. We don't need it nor do I really want to spend the money on it. But with all of his Christmas money and birthday money he paid bills. Nice of him, sure. And we need bills paid; Lord knows we need bills paid. But he has been busting his butt for 2 years now in school at night, working all day, etc. He deserves a little something. Now I just have to figure out where it will come out of the budget. I know he is going to ask. Darn this new budget!

Motherhood

I found myself thinking something today, something I don't really want to admit. But I have a feeling that my daughter(s) will someday think it too; so for their sakes I'll own up to my faulty thinking. After hearing a sermon on compassion and ministering to the poor I began to pray "Lord, what is my purpose here? If I am to be just a mom, that is fine." Just a mom. Have I bought the lie that being a mom isn't that important? It seems I have. It seems that I believe that I won't have that much influence over my child's life, that my only real job is to keep her fed, clothed, and clean, to keep Scott's drawers stocked with socks and undies, and to maybe take a shower every couple of days. I am simply the servant of those I live with. I suppose that is what I have come to accept that my life adds up to.

Steven Curtis Chapman's new CD has a song on it that speaks to motherhood. It is like he wrote the song for me. I need encouragement that I am changing the world with every tear I wipe, with every uplifting "you can do it" speach, and with each Bible story read at night. It is so easy to get caught up in the piddly things I do, stuff like wiping butts and racking my brain for a meal that I haven't made in a while. You know that meal. The one that will shake up the mundane meal schedule that is already planned. Yeah that one. The one that isn't appreciated by anyone but me and my taste buds. Or how about the lovely job of picking up the socks that I swear you picked up yesterday. Or vacuuming up the dog hair (a job that I do several times a week or the tumbleweeds of dog hair WILL take over). Now that I have depressed myself it would be a good time to remind myself that my life is not my own. As often as it feels like it belongs to Scott and Jordan, it really belongs to the Lord. I have to believe that I am not just a mom but I am a discipler of one who will soon call nations to God. Or maybe she will grow up to be a mom. Who knows. Okay, confession time is over. I am still not convinced of the importance of my job. I am, however, convinced that I am wrong in my attitude. I just need to keep speaking truth to myself. I hope that in time my heart will come around.

Now here are some pictures of my lovely.

Here she is making Ernie walk along the coffee table.

She still loves Daddy's orange hat. And just for size reference, that onesie is size 18-24 months. At 2.5 she is still in clothes measured by months.

This is what I got when I asked for a smile. I asked for a smile twice and the weird strained look just got more strained. So I snapped the pic. Kiddo is cute anyway, sorta smiling or not.

A big no-no. I asked for a smile and I was shown a mouth full of milk. First of all, she is supposed to swallow the milk. This has been an ongoing battle in our household. If she doesn't swallow it right away she ends up dribbling it all down the front of her shirt. No, it is not an accident. This is full on milk mouth control that she is practicing. I am now officially jealous of any mom who has a kid who smiles on command. I love photography and I get pics that look like this (or the one above). Other people have girls who smile and pose and love the camera. I have a goofball. I suppose that is okay. I'd rather have a goofball than none at all. I can hope that maybe, just maybe the next one will be my little model. At least she has personality, right? I can't ever say that she is a boring kid.

Happy Birthday Scott!

I threw Scott a very very small birthday party on Tuesday. The bid 3-2. Well, it had to come sometime. The Baileys and the Medlins joined us but somehow managed to not get photographed. Why is it that I only took pics of the kids? Not sure. For blog's sake I am just posting a few of Jordan and Scott.

Maybe wedgies aren't the same with a diaper?

This is what it looked like from far away. She kept asking for Scott to hang her up over and over again. "One more time?" she'd ask.

I don't think she liked this though.

Scott's gift from Jason, which Jason then said was meant to be shared. I sent the bag with Scott to school today. Have at it Jason!

Brownie mouth :)

Jordan is sharing brownie with Daddy. I am glad it wasn't me; I don't share food with anyone, including Jordan. For those of you who think otherwise, kids DO have germs.

On a totally different side note, Jordan was so whiney today. so.very.whiney. I don't think she is sick; she is just being 2 and misses her Daddy. She got used to him being home and now he isn't. She wakes up asking for him and continues to ask for him all day long. Well, today was just a little rough. She wasn't bad. She is rarely bad. She was just clingy and whiney and just plain unhappy. Through it all I am thankful to have her. I look at her and am reminded of how creative God is. IF Scott and I were able to have kids, we would have never been able to create her. It isn't in our genes. But God has given her to us to oogle and awe over. Thanks Lord!

6 weeks and counting

We have been waiting roughly 6 weeks for Baby Kennedy to arrive. We were hoping for a Christmas baby but that has come and gone. Part of me is a little sad, but the other part is glad we got to have one last Christmas with just Jordan. So I am still waiting for that phone call. Each time the phone rings I look at the caller ID hoping it is a 912 number. I remember the first call we ever got. Of course it wasn't the call for Jordan. It was the call before her...I had gone out to eat with a friend and didn't hear the phone ring! So we are sitting in the parking lot at my work and I checked my phone for the time. There was a message. I thought I had better listen to it before clocking back in; low and behold it was from the agency. It was so exciting and of course I was totally taken off guard. Those calls always come when you least expect them. Then the second call, well, that was even more amazing. The baby from the first call had been born and placed with a different family. We were so devestated. Words just can't describe how we felt when we heard that the birthmom had decided to go a different route. In the end she felt more comfortable having her baby raised by African American parents. Heartbreak. We mourned for a few days, pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps, and kept on going. We had waited 4 weeks to bring that baby home! 4 weeks. We were so ready. If I am honest though, there is something in me that knew it was going to fall through. That was Monday, July 24 2006. Thursday, July 27, 2006 at about 4:00 I got a call at my office. It was the agency.

"Are you sitting down?" she said.

"We have a situation..." ("Situation" is adoption lingo for "there is a baby if you want it.")

"She was born at University Hospital...she is a little early...the birthmom chose you. She looked at your book and she chose you" (meaning she didn't care that we were white). "She was born on Monday. Birthmom has already named her but understands if you want to change it. She named her Jordan."

Jordan was the name we had chosen for a boy. Every single time we told someone we had chosen Jordan for a boy they would tell us we could use it for a girl. Scott also really wanted to use it for a girl. We chose it for it's meaning in our lives...meaning is what won Scott over. He wanted that name for a boy or a girl. I wasn't convinced until I was told that she was already named Jordan. I knew then that she was Jordan. God could not have been more clear that this was our little girl. She was chosen just for us. She was loved so so much by her birthmom, by us, and by our God who facilitated every tiny detail right down to her name and birthday. She was painstakingly knit together in her mother's womb and was placed in my arms. After all the crap infertility put us through, in that moment I was healed.

Now this little unintended trip down memory land has me a little weapy. I have to go distract myself with some mindless television.

Lord, you have been so good to me. Oh how I forget that! Keep Baby safe. Wherever she is, keep her safe. Until she is in my arms, wrap yours around her. Even tonight at this late hour, woo her by your grace. Call her by name. May she grow up to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with you. For your glory. For the sake of the call. Amen.

Christmas at the Kennedy's

We had a great Christmas with the Kennedy's. Jordan got to spend a lot of time outside wearing herself out. I think she is still recovering a little :) We were all spoiled...especially me. I didn't have to do any kid entertaining the whole time! That is a gift that one cannot put a price on.

Jordan blowing bubbles. This is also a nice shot of the horns that are her braids.

Ohhhhhhh, bubbles!

One spoon of peanut butter in the mouth; the other in the hair. Its how we roll.

Her favorite gift was her electric guitar so she can play like Murray (The Wiggles). She even learned how to turn it on all by herself. I think it wins the most annoying toy award. Even Marion snickered a little when she called it a "home toy". I think this is payback for Scott's teen years.

She opened gifts all by herself.

Makeup or war paint. You decide.

Grandma and Grandpa gave her makeup. I am sure some of you are gasping at the thought of a 2 year old with makeup. But considering she spreads it all over her arms, hands, and cheeks, I think we are safe for a little while.

Morgan is all grown up.

Saggin': (v) the consequence of having a buddha belly and no hips

So big.