I'm pregnant! sorta...

I sent in our adoption paperwork today. So I like to consider myself paper pregnant :) This waiting is the closest thing to pregnancy that I know. So yay! I am excited and nervous at the same time. I am not necessarily ready for the not-so-fun baby stage yet, but I am ready for the baby. Does that make sense? So this cute little one we have now will soon learn the true meaning of sharing.

Exhausting day

This day is only half over and I am so done. I got up and cleaned the house for 1.5-2 hours; it included scrubbing grout with a toothbrush and washing the hardwood floors. Don't think I am great or anything. Those are both things that get done about twice a year; this is just the time to do it. While in the shower Jordan pulled all my frosted sugar cookies (yes the ones I was going ga-ga over yesterday...the ones on my photo blog) off the table and made a lovely mess. I guess she enjoyed them because she took a little bite out of 80% of them. That was fun to clean up. Then we got dressed. I had to put 3 different outfits on her because nothing fits. All her pants fall right off. Right now they are washing on hot in the attempt to shrink them. After getting dressed it was time to venture to Walmart for a baby gift, overnight diapers, drinks, envelopes, and a couple other things. I remembered the baby gift and diapers and envelopes. I forgot the other stuff because Jordan was screaming with tears streaming down her face the.whole.time. Why? because I wouldn't give her a sucker. She had already had 2 bowls of Fruit Loops and sugar cookies. She didn't need any more sugar. Yes, that was fun. So I treated myself to Zaxby's on the way home. I shared some with Jordan. While she ate I cleaned the kitchen and emptied the dishwasher. Somehow in my major cleaning this morning that got left out. Now she is in bed. Thank God. And I am typing on this blog. But in just a second I will be attempting to read my Bible without thinking about the 5 loads of laundry that need to be folded. Yup. 5 loads. I have been busy!

photography

I just spent what was my last hour editing photos from my shoot last weekend. I think that brings my total to about 7-8 hours total, including photography time. Good thing I love it! At this point I am very thankful for something I love. Lots of people don't have a hobby that they love, let alone one that can make a little money here and there. So thanks God! It is your talent. May it bring you glory :) Here is a little sample photo. These kids are only 17. I am thinking one day it may go into my engagement gallery though. They are too cute.

a lesson in obedience starring Jordan and another random thought

Jordan's newest favorite game is to run away from me when I am trying to get her dressed. To her grandma bob, this is cute. To me, not so cute. So the other day she was running away as usual. When I grabbed her I dressed her really fast then told her she needs to obey or she will get hurt. Of course she has no idea what the word "obey" means, but I am using it multiple times a day now anyway. She will learn it eventually, or so I hope. So yesterday she runs away and resumes the game. I grabbed her, dressed her, and walked away. Two seconds later I heard a loud thud and a cry. Because she was trying to run even after I dressed her she fell and hit her head. I gently reminded her (after consoling her) that I don't want to be a kill joy. I ask her to obey so she won't get hurt. Then God ever so quietly reminded me that this is why he asks me to obey too. His guidelines are for my good, not just to restrict my life.
Deuteronomy 6:1-3 "These are the commands, decrees, and laws the Lord God directed me to teach you to observe...so that you, your children, and their children after them may fear teh Lord...so that you may enjoy long life...so that it may go well with you."

Random thought for the day: I am getting a little tired of people wondering what a stay-at-home mom does. The insinuation is that I don't do anything. So if I don't do anything, why am I so tired at the end of the day? There is no need to give anyone a run down of my daily schedule. I don't feel the need to justify myself in that way. But what I do feel the need to say is that even though staying home is the hardest thing I have ever done, it is so worth it. I am molding a child's heart. That cannot be done by anyone else. No daycare worker can do this. No in home sitter can do this. God created me to do this. I am thankful I am able to stay home and do this. Many women would love to be able to be at home with their children but can't. Thanks Lord for this blessing! Thanks Scott for making it possible!

A few confessions

One, I am scared about adding another baby to our family. We are sending off paperwork this week and have been told that it will probably go fast. With Jordan we waited 2.5 months. We were approved mid May and brought her home August 1. I am just not ready to get the call that goes a little somthing like this: "Shannon, we have a baby for you. He/she is due tomorrow." Can you see why this would be a little stressful on a person? haha! I am also not ready for the lack of sleep. I am not ready for that at all! In fact, it terrifies me. I am not normal without sleep. I learned that with Jordan. But with Jordan I could nap when she napped. I could put her in the swing and nap if I needed to. But not this time around. On the other hand, I am so ready for the cuddles and coos that babys make when they eat. I love eating noises! Well, I don't love the noise of blowouts that are sure to follow. But oh how I love little baby grunts.

Okay, for my second confession, I am dying for some junk food. For dinner tonight I ate one of those snowball things. You know them...the pink half circle things that have coconut and marshmellow on the outside. To add insult to injury with regards to my dinner, I think I am goint to eat the other snowball now. It is 11:00. Hips, don't kill me later.

Lastly, I really have taken pictures for my photo of the day. I am just too lazy to upload them :)

Suffering. For what?

So right now I am in a Bible study where we are going through Romans. I can honestly say I have never studied Romans. I have looked at it when cross references called for it; I have also read through the book here and there. But I have never studied it. This study has confirmed to me that I need Bible studies. I need to be taught by someone with a little more insight than myself. I am just not insightful! I always tell people that I can't learn how to use any mechanical device, computer program, or simple remote control by reading a book. Manuals are not written in my language. I need someone to show me how to use or work whatever I am trying to use or work :) Got that? Why would I expect it to be any different with the Bible? I have the Holy Spirit who helps for sure. But the way God has made me, well, it makes me need Bible studies.

Today we studied Romans 5:1-11. The study mainly focused on suffering. The conclusion we came to is that justifications brings suffering! haha! that just doesn't seem right. Sure, justification brings lots of other wonderful things. But suffering? Why? Well, we concluded that suffering is part of life. We live in a fallen world so we will suffer. Period. But suffering with the Lord is different. Sometimes our sufferings is simply the consequence of sin. Sometimes suffering is brought on by Satan (Job is an example of this). But more than anything, suffering is a test. It isn't that God needs to test us so he can know where we stand. After all, it doesn't matter where we stand. Our relationship with God is sure not because we stand, but because HE stands on our behalf. It is secure because while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. God knows where He stands in regards to us; therefore where we stand doesn't really matter. But, we are tested so we can know where we stand. We are tested so we can see our sin and repent, so we can see how unattractive the world is and cling to him, and so our hope and confidence in our relationship with and to God can be strengthened. In my mind I think that these things could happen apart from suffering. But who am I to tell the Lord how to run things?

I have to admit that my first reaction to the idea of suffering being good makes me bristle. I get angry that God would allow it. The theological answers don't sit right with me. Suffering is for our good and his glory, yada yada yada. I just have to believe that when I am 70 years old I will understand that suffering is for my good and his glory. Understanding God takes time I suppose.

BIG moment today!

Jordan actually peed on the potty! Woohoo! After months of having a potty and Jordan showing no interest what so ever, she finally started asking to sit on the potty. That was last week. She would sit on in here and there, but nothing substantial. It was purely for her laughter. She would sit and laugh, stand up and pull up her pants, pull them down and sit some more. It was clearly a fun game. So today she asked to sit on the potty. After taking off her diaper I saw the game was about to ensue. I am tired today. I am so tired. My whole body aches from just being, so the last think I wanted to do was to play potty games. So I basically made her sit there. Everytime she would get up I'd tell her she had two choices. She could sit on the potty or put on her diaper. So she sat...and eventually she peed! She really had no idea what she did. But when she stood up I saw it and cheered like the proud mom I am. I have a feeling we are on our way to being diaper free :)

No pictures for the photo blog. It has been hectic. I honestly didn't think about it. That is rare.

Jordanisms and a photoshoot

Jordan is talking up a storm now. But like most toddlers, she has some "isms". Here are two:

nongi = banana
guhnee = Twitch

She has also decided to end most sentences with the word "yes". It is as if she is making sure that she is saying things correctly. When pointing at a picture of me she might say "This is momma, yes?" So cute!


On a completely different note I had a photoshoot today. The son of a friend of mine and his best friend (who happens to be a girl) played model for me. Gorgeous! I learned a lot. I had some not so good pictures, some okay ones, and some great shots to end the day. The moms didn't pay me for the pictures since it was a favor. I kinda asked them if I could use their kids. I needed some practice and to expand my portfolio. What a wonderful way to spend a sabbath. It was truly restful. It also solidified my need for another camera. Scott actually said it was okay to get one. I am shocked! Hopefully I'll get one before Christmas. Time will tell...

How about a piece of humble pie?

"I am broken, but not as much as I should be. I am seeking, but for Whom I sometimes forget. I am longing, but often for only a feeling. I am loved in spite of myself."

I found this quote on another blog. As far as I know it is a famous quote. Or it could be that the girl made it up. I don't know. Anyway, it pretty much describes me these days. I am not where I should be. Not even close. But I am loved anyway.

Jesus Loves Me

I have been singing this song to Jordan since she was a newborn. It has always had a calming effect on her. I sing it whenever I need her to calm down from a tantrum, when we are bored in the car, or when she is in the bath and I need to comb her hair (not an easy job). So yesterday I heard her singing it. To my surprise she got just about every word right! Jesus Loves Me is such a simple childhood song. But the truth in it is so profound. We are weak but he is strong. The Bible tells us over and over how loved we are. etc...It was a small but very cool moment for this mom. The truth is sinking in. Slowly but surely she is learning about our savior. In six months she will be asking questions. I can't wait!

It also taught me another very important lesson. Songs like "Low" by FloRida are out for sure haha! I am embarassed to say that when that song was popular she knew a few (or more) of the words. It was easy to rationalize because she was so young. Surely she didn't know what she was saying, right? Whether that is true or not doesn't change the fact that she needs to learn things that will encourage her little spirit and not weigh it down. Ugh. Well, it will be the first of many mistakes on my part I'm sure. Good thing God is sovereign.

Just one question

Why do toddlers store up poop until nap time? I swear; there must be a conspiricy against sleep amongst all the babbling 2 year olds in the world. "Hey guys! Great new trick. Hold your poopy until they put you down for a nap. Then let it all go. It buys you an hour of playtime at least!"

So it really is true..

that adopted kids begin to "look" like their parents. So many people told me this. If I had a nickle for every time someone said "She may not look like you, but she will take on your mannerisms and become just like you", well, I would have a lot of nickles! So today Jordan and I were playing a typical everyday game. She very dramatically will cross her arms which means she wants me to copy by crossing mine as well. After about 20 rinse and repeats of crossing my arms she giggled...I giggled...then I realized that she got it from me. I always stand crossing my arms. Always. It is my default stance. I remember the day she discovered crossing her arms. For whatever reason I was a tad frustrated. I had just got home from work and was tired as usual. I think I was trying to entice Jordan to eat and I was unsuccessful. I crossed my arms; and so did she. Ever since then we have had our game. This little ah-ha moment of mine has me hoping that she picks up a few things of greater significance from me. Things like praying, sharing Jesus with friends, or just being nice to others would be wonderful. But then that means that I too have to be those things. She won't pick it up by osmosis! I guarantee that she will pick up the majority of things I don't want her to pick up. I don't want her to get my temper, or my impatience, or my lack of tact in speech. But she will if I am not careful. For that fact, she might if I am careful. So let this post be a challenge to myself: spend time with the Lord intimately and regularly! There is no better thing I can do for my family than to read the Bible and pray.

I Corinthians 11:1 "Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ."

NEVER pray for patience!

A couple weeks ago I realized that I have to be the least patient person on the face of the earth. I am a little embarassed to admit how I came about the this not so shocking revelation, but let's just say it involves a sick kid. For whatever reason illnesses in the family don't turn me into this nurturing person that I thought all women naturally were. Taking care of people "just because" is not a strength of mine; illnesses seem to only weaken my lack of patience. This is NOT a good place to be as a mom. LOL! So brilliant me decided to pray for patience. BUT, I made it very clear to God that I didn't want this patience growth spurt to come in the form of trials. Surely he understood, right? It isn't that I don't trust God, I just don't like trials. God has to be able to sympathize with that. I mean, he knows trials. He is the one who sent his only son to the cross. Wow. What a trial that must have been :) But alas, God didn't listen to my plea. In fact, he flat out ignored it. So what has happened to teach me patience? A couple things. One, Scott has terrible kidney stones. We have been in and out of the ER for a month now. This will inevitably mean we will have medical bills that we can't pay. Secondly, Jordan got sick. So that is two sick people in a month. After she got sick she became ornery. She has always been a bit independent, but it is as if she was suddenly awakened to the idea that she wants to get her way. She joyfully disobeys. She does it with a smile on her face and a huge toddler laugh. It is utterly draining to deal with the arrogance of disobedience. Patient I am not. As I type this out I have to laugh a little. God answered my prayer for increased patience. He just didn't do it the way I wanted it done. Seriously. How did I think I would gain patience apart from trials? Yes, I am that prideful. I am the one who tries to tell God how I can best learn to be more like Him. Luckily God is infinitely patient. He loves to take care of me when I am sick. He finds much joy in watching me find my way back to Him on a daily basis. I could learn from Him, don't you think?

Why blog?

Honestly, I have long disliked the idea of blogging. Though I tend to be an open book with those I love, I am actually very private. The thought of having my intimate thoughts and feelings about my life "out there" bothers me a bit. But I decided to do this for one reason really...my kids. Right now it is just one kid, but I know there are others to come. I hope that through this blog I can leave a bit of a legacy for them to read later. If for some reason God should choose to take me early, I want my loves (Scott, Jordan, and future babies) to feel that through this blog, they know me. In 15-20 years I want my children to be encouraged by things the Lord has taught me through parenting and loving them. The sinful superstitious side of me is scared that by starting this blog I am sealing my fate to die early and leave this love letter for my kiddos to read later.

"Lord, even now free me of that silly fear; I know that should this be your will then it is also your will for my family."

I guess I fear leaving them early, leaving my daughter without a mom and leaving Scott to fend for himself. That thought in itself is so overwhelming it sends me into panic. Stupid huh? Do I not trust God with my life and the lives of those I love? Do I have control issues and am I afraid to let go? Who knows really. But I will face that fear in the eyes and publish this post on my blog! Take that death! Death will come to me eventually. It isn't something I need to fear. God has left me all kinds of promises regarding death. He tells me that my place in heaven is sealed. He tells me that I will see my loved ones again (essentially He says that our relationships with our loved ones doesn't end because one of them dies). He also promises that through death He will glorify himself. You know what? I want that! His glory is what I seek more than I seek long life. He has proven to me time and time again that trials have greater purpose. He has never failed to bring glory to himself through my trials. That is strangly satisfying. It is counter-cultural. You would think that there would be no satisfaction in someone else getting the lime light. But it is oh so satisfying. Lord, through my life glorify yourself. Lord, through my death glorify yourself. But more than these things I pray that you would bring Jordan to know you intimately so that she too will seek to glorify you. Above anything I want her to know the satisfaction of seeing the lime light on YOU!