Bring the rain

As part of my time with the Lord today I have chosen to blog. I don't know what it is about this public form of journaling that gets me, but I love it. Why in the world would I put my feelings out there for random strangers and loved friends/family to read? I don't know; I guess that part of me finds it thearaputic...the other part of me hopes that somehow God can glorify himself through my ramblings. I hope that someone will come to know Him through it. It seems like such a far reach, someone in Maine coming to Jesus through my blog. I think it may be read by 10 people on a good day :) But maybe, just maybe that eleventh person will find what they are looking for through this blog. I am so far off the subject now I have to laugh at my A.D.D. self.

"And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise you. Jesus bring the rain." I have heard this song a thousand times over. I will admit that it makes me somewhat uneasy. I don't want rain! I don't want life to bring me pain! Who really wants this? I am not sure that even the writer of that song can say that he really wants his life to be hard in order that it might bring glory to God. But somehow the Holy Spirit works it into us to want and desire what in our natural states we hate. I am thinking about this for one reason: MckMama. Have you read it yet? Okay, see the MckMiracle button on the right hand side of your screen? Click on it. This poor woman is watching her baby die, yet somehow she is still able to praise God. She is still able to cling to the hope that he will be healed, knowing that our God is perfectly capable of doing so. She also knows that He may not chose to do so, in which case she knows that Jesus is still the same; He doesn't change just because our circumstances do. Here I am, a total outsider to her world. I just read her blog as hundreds of others do as well. I don't know her or her baby and even I am not able to praise God with her. This is not coming together in my mind at all. How can God let this happen? For some reason, even though in my flesh I am angry for her, in my spirit I rejoice with her. There is an old song by Caedmon's Call that has been on repeat in my car for 3 days now. "Love Alone"...anyone heard it? It is on repeat for these words:

The prince of despair's been beaten
But the loser still fights
Death's on a long leash
Stealing my friends to the night

And everyone cries for the innocent
You say to love the guilty too
And I'm surrounded by suffering and sickness
So I'm working tearing back the roof

Give me your hand to hold
'Cause I can't stand to love alone
And love alone is not enough to hold us up
We've got to touch your robe
So swing your robe down low

It reminds me of Isaiah 6 when the prophet says that the train of His robe filled the temple, or of the story of Moses when he saw the goodness of the Lord pass before him. In my mind I have always pictured God's goodness passing before Moses as part of his train, with bells and fancy velvet embellishments. Anyway, in those moments Isaiah and Moses touched the robe of God. God chose to stoop down so as to give them a physical and spiritual manifestation of himself. I have found myself praying that He would also choose to swing his robe down low in my life. The whole adoption process has me worn out, numb, and needing to see God in a special way. In these times I cling to the days of our first failed adoption, then seeing God fulfill his promise to us by giving us Jordan 3 days later. But right now I need to see that again. So I pray that he would allow his robe to drape down in such a way that it encompasses my life, be it even for a day. But I fear that praying this means that I am also willing to pray for rain. Ugh. I want something good to happen, not bad! Then God brings me back to MckMama. I am thankful that he hasn't chosen me to be the mom to a baby who may not live to see 5 months. She understands that though God may choose to allow rain to pour, he also chooses rainbows. Maybe someday I will be changed in such a way that my temperment doesn't bend towards the worst case scenario. But right now, I just need to see some velvet embellishing.