Can't put it into words

Well, here we are still with no news on this birthmom. I don't know if I am supposed to give up or keep hoping. Of course I want to keep hoping. It just seemed so perfect. Dr. Sharpe tells us it is normal for birthmoms to surface then fall off the radar until they give birth. I don't know. It is never normal in our experience. She is due any day now so I suppose I can hang in there until we hear something. I just pray that we hear something...anything...soon. At this point I assume that she freaked out and changed her mind. But it would be nice to have some confirmation I suppose. I don't know how I feel about it all right now. I think I am simply frustrated. I am at a loss as to what to do. Everything in my wants to call Jim Thompson and adopt from SC where I don't have to deal with birthmoms who change their minds. But it is so expensive. I can't imagine how we will ever make it. Scott has to take a pay cut next year. We are already just scraping by; paying on a big fat loan will kill us. I don't know what to do. My head is swimming with sadness and discouragement...not to mention feeling drugged due to the lovely sinus infection I am dealing with. ugh. I am off. I just wanted to get it out.