Failed adoption. Again.

You know, I am getting just a tad tired of the process, the system, the whole shabang. Tuesday morning we got a call from the agency because we had been chosen. Yay, right? Well, unfortunately, it is never that easy for us. We can't ever get excited but we do anyway. How can we not get excited? The social worker for the birthmom called within a couple hours to set up a three way call with the birthmom for the next day. The social worker and the birthmom had just gone to the doc and guess what? She was 4 cm dialated! We were so close to having a baby. The social worker felt very confident that birthmom would place. She had said and done all the "right things", things that social workers look for, things that point toward the birthmom going through with her decision. She had owned up to her decision to her family even though it meant that she may not have a place to live when it was done. Birthmom had a birth plan which included not seeing, touching, holding, or naming her baby. (To be honest, when I heard this my heart grieved for her. I have never birthed, but I cannot imagine going through hours and hours of intense pain, giving birth and having that rush of emotions with empty arms. I could picture her bawling in the arms of a family member. I cannot begin to imagine the pain that a birthmom must feel when she has takes pen in hand to sign her name to a paper that states that she will never again be a mom to the child she carried for 9 months. The idea that this birthmom had to wall herself off emotionally in order to carry out her decision broke my heart.) I prayed for her that night. I thanked God that she had chosen life for this baby. She gave HIM (yup, it was a boy) the opportunity to see the orange in a butterfly's wings, to feel a caterpillar crawl up his finger, and to know the heartbreak of love. She had chosen life for him; it would be foolish of me to think that she didn't have people telling her she had "options". It has been estimated that as many as 50% of all pregnancies in the African American community are ended by abortion. I even told God that no matter how this adoption turned out, I was thankful that she had chosen life for this little boy. I meant that. Anyhow, the next day the social worker and I waited on the phone for 15 minutes before giving up and realizing that birthmom was not going to call in. It was apparent to me that she had changed her mind. No matter how positive the social worker tried to be, I have been here before; I knew that this was a sign of things going from hopeful to a dead deal. As far as I know the social worker still hasn't heard from the birthmom. She avoided all calls, even turning her phone off at one point.

I must admit that after getting the call I sat to pray for a minute. I felt in my spirit that this wasn't our baby. I quickly prayed that God wouldn't allow us to be strung along for weeks if this wasn't our baby...that if he wasn't to be in our home the mom would go into labor quickly and not sign. I didn't want to be strung along for weeks only to have her back out. Being a severe anxiety sufferer that I am, I banished the doubt over this baby and chalked it up to being overwhelmed. I am terrible at making decisions so I tend to just do what seems right and trust that God will shut doors if we are going in the wrong direction. I didn't tell Scott how I felt. I just assumed it was anxiety, stress, and fear. Despite all of that, despite the fact that obviously what I felt deep down was true, despite the fact that God answered my quick prayer, I still feel angry. I still feel frustrated. I shouldn't though, should I? I mean, after all, I should feel relieved that I serve a God who loves me enough to answer that prayer, and quickly. Trust me, there is part of me that is breathing a sigh of relief. But the biggest part of me is just mad. Why would God allow us to go down this road of heart break again? I don't get it. I really should focus on the fact that he answered my prayer. But the thing is, I am and have been praying every single day for him to bring my baby home. I have wept over the fact that Micah is out there somewhere and I have no idea where. Why not answer THAT prayer? Instead I am here in tears because yet again the adoption fell through. This is the FOURTH time this has happened to us. FOURTH! Infertility was hard enough. Adoption, even if it were smooth and relatively easy, is very hard. Why add four failed ones to the list of hard things Scott and Shannon will have to deal with? And, hearing someone say to me "Your baby is out there" or "You have to trust his ways; he knows best; blah blah blah" doesn't make me feel any better. I know that stuff. Duh, I know my baby is out there. That is why I pray every day for him/her to be kept safe and healthy. I know I have to trust his ways. My problem isn't a lack of trust. My problem is that I am ticked off. I am mad that the birthmom who is unemployed has made the decision to parent. How does a person who is unemployed with one kid and another on the way decide that keeping the baby is the best and most responsible thing to do? I am mad that in her obvious grief and pain, she made the decision to hurt my family by not even owning up to the fact that she has changed her mind. So you changed your mind, big deal. You have that right. But call someone, anyone, and tell them! Don't just avoid calls and pretend that the decision to let someone call me and tell me I had a baby on the way, yes that decision that you made 24 hours earlier doesn't exist. I am mad because due to sin, I have to pay an unimaginable amount of money, time, and emotional energy for my babies. AND, I am ticked off that there are actually people out there that think Scott and I should save up before adopting, that we shouldn't finance adoptions. If I had to wait until we had saved every dime then we wouldn't have Jordan. In fact, we would still be saving. Boy, those people would hate to know that we don't finance any of them...they are on credit cards! I am mad at the fact that we can't be open about the cost and our struggles with people out of fear of being judged for choosing to double our debt for this next baby. I am mad because we actually have the option of working with a lawyer who has figured out how to avoid the ups and downs families go through but we can't use him. He costs too much...but guess what? I am willing to pay the extra money just so that next time we get a call we don't have to wonder if it will go through. With the lawyer, it will go through. He doesn't place until papers are signed, but you pay for the ability to avoid the anxiety that I dealt with this week. I am mad because right now I dread the next call we get. I dread hearing "you have been chosen" knowing I will have sleepless anxiety filled nights ahead of me until that mom signs papers, only to wait 10 days to go pick up my baby because during that 10 days birthmom can decide she made a mistake and change her mind. That is something I should look forward to but instead I cringe thinking about it. I am pissed because at 1:00 in the morning I am up crying over this instead of sleeping. Insomnia. I don't remember the last time I fell asleep easily. I assume that in the near future I will be rather sleep deprived so my insomnia will hopefully be cured.